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It is human nature to be selfish lovers. We want our needs met, our desires filled and we want it all when we want it! However, we are called to also be servant lovers in our marriage. To think of our spouses needs and wants. Even to give sometimes when we don’t feel like giving!
I tend to be a servant at heart. I enjoy helping and serving Ryan. But sometimes I have to remind myself servant hood in marriage also includes sex. That is an interesting way to put it isn’t it? In the book Real Marriage by Mark and Grace Driscoll that is what they are referring to when they say “selfish lovers” and “servant lovers”. Is it all about your wants and desires or do you serve your spouse sexually?
Ways we are selfish lovers? (pg 165-166)
- Rarely having sex- We have to discuss how often is often enough with the both of us.
- Take too little of time and too little effort- We have to make sure we have passion and interest.
- Only have sex when we both feel like it at the same time – This is where the servant part comes in sometimes.
- Let ourselves go- become undesirable- I try to be aware of this now that I stay home. It’s easy to stay in sweats every day! We need to make ourselves look nice for our husband.
- Commit sexual sabotage- Going to beds at different times or picking a fight before bed would be sabotage. We can not allow ourselves to do that.
- Make your spouse earn sex- We must not keep points or manipulate our husbands with sex.
- Share our beds with children and pets- How are we supposed to have sex when others are in our way? Keep your bed a sanctioned area.
- Have separate beds or bedrooms- We must work together to find sleeping conditions that work for the both of us. Ryan and I sleep with it 65 degrees so Ryan doesn’t get hot and I have a huge blanket.
Reasons why we are selfish lovers (pg 167-169)
Difficult season * Secret sin * Inappropriate sharing with others * Fatigue * Lack of pleasure * Insecurity * Wrong perspective of the body * Boredom
By now you probably have a pretty good idea if you are a selfish lover. If we are being honest with ourselves I think it is safe to say we are all selfish lovers at times and all can work towards being more servant lovers!
I was a bit disappointed in the book because it did such a great job of making me realize that yes I sometimes am a selfish lover, but it did not give me practical advice to help me toward becoming more of a servant lover. Therefore, I took it upon myself to find some marriage and sex experts to give us some ideas! The next post on Wednesday, Oct 16th will be all about how to become a servant lover!
No need to feel down about yourself or your marriage. We all have been selfish lovers! First, we must realize that we are then we must change it! We are on our way to becoming servant lovers!
What is the most common reason you are a selfish lover?
Until Next Time- Truly Love,