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This is a guest post by Steve Pare from Spouse Dates . He has been married to his lovely bride, Chrissy, since June 6th of 1992. He started Spouse Dates to help individuals (especially himself) cultivate a great marriage through the practice of dating their own spouse.
“I got you the perfect gift!”
“I wonder what it is?” she exclaims tearing into the wrapping paper. Narrowing her eyes with quiet disappointment, “Is this really what the box says it is?”
“Yes indeed! It’s exactly what you asked for,” he replies with a grin.
Raising her eyebrows, “Aren’t you a romantic husband,” she retorts, words dripping with sarcasm.
“What???” He stutters, stunned. “I thought you wanted a new vacuum cleaner. I even went over budget on this one,” he counters with growing frustration. “Look, I was trying to be romantic. It’s even pink, your favorite color! A cool and lengthy silence ensues….. and off to the dog house he goes.
Can you relate? Of course you can. What husband and wife have not misunderstood each other’s desires and expectations? Hopefully, you have learned a few things about your spouse and are beyond the experience of this couple. However, after over 20 years of marriage I can still relate all too well. There is so much more to learn.
What is a person to do? Read a book? Get counseling? Go to a seminar? Subscribe to marriage blogs?
Maybe all these could help.
But really, the solution does not lie in a technique that you do.
The solution lies in who you are. And in who you are becoming. The solution is to become an ardent student of your spouse.
The most precious gift we can offer anyone is our attention. When mindfulness embraces those we love, they’ll bloom like flowers. ~ Thich Nhat Hanh
Here are a four ways to help you overcome miscommunication with your spouse.
- Be a constant learner and realize you are studying a “moving target”. You are not learning facts like you would in science or history class. You are learning a person. You are attending to a subject who is in constant motion and flux.
- Become aware of and accept the “otherness” of your spouse. Everybody is different, so you cannot assume that your spouse thinks and feels like you, especially when it comes to romance. Try taking the 5 love languages assessment to get some insights into your differences.
- Take courage and lovingly interrogate your spouse’s “reality”. What people perceive as “reality” changes over time. People forget to talk about those changes. Don’t let this happen to you. Keep the conversations going.
- Regularly date your spouse as a learning laboratory. Be consistent and yet mix it up. Do the familiar as well as try new things. Go dancing to study your spouse face to face. Have dinner out to study your spouse knee to knee. Go on a double date to study your spouse side to side. Volunteer to serve the needy together to study your spouse shoulder to shoulder. Click HERE to see what experts (including Cassie!) are saying about how important it is to date your spouse.
Obviously, these four ways are not easy nor are they quick. But then again neither is anything worthwhile. Take up the challenge and become an ardent student of your spouse!
What would you recommendations to help someone avoid the doghouse?
Pick you battles, take a second and think “is this really worth it?” This helps me often…
Good idea, Mia. It is always helpful to pause, breathe and think, especially when emotions are charged. You have to be careful with the “is this really worth it?” thought though. I have used that logic as a cop out before when what I really needed to do was speak up. However, and I think this is more to your point, some conversations that need to be had should happen later and not in the heat of the moment. Taking time to cool down and distance yourself from bad feelings makes for way more effective communication. Thanks for your thoughts!
A future post that will be coming out is about using timeouts as adults and how to use them effectively. I think this touches on what you are saying here Steve.
I often think he is doing the best he can with the resources he has available at this moment. Sometimes we just have to tell ourselves something to make us take a second to think it through.
Oh yes, I think weekly that men really are from Mars and women from Venus. We just don’t think the same I guess. My husband has definitely done the “but it’s what you asked for” gift-giving thing. I’ve come to realize he is just not a material gift kind of guy. Now if I say, I want something meaningful and from the heart and not expensive, he surprises me ten-fold. Knowing that I am not looking for something material helps him to reach deeper into his heart and come up with some real winners.
Pam, It is funny you say that. Just this morning I saw this video of Mark Gungor who does Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0BxckAMaTDc It is of course hilarious and he does a great job highlighting the differences between men’s and women’s brains. Sounds like you are doing a good job communicating and he is doing a good job reaching deeper into his heart. Thanks for sharing! Steve
Pam I think just because we “need” something doesn’t necessarily mean we want it as a gift. That’s where we women get a bit tricky. Just have to have open communication with our man to let them know if its something we would want for a gift.
Every Sunday we sit down and do our weekly questions. These questions help us be open in communication, verbalize our struggles, and discuss what we would like to do differently this week. They help us love one another well and communicate what we might not want to communicate. They help keep us out of the dog house 🙂
See the questions here http://wp.me/p1piGA-Nz
That is an awesome idea, Cloe! I love that list of questions too. I think I may just start using those on our next date night. Thanks for sharing. I will pass them on too. Steve
Loving your 7 questions Chloe! Such a great idea! I think we might need to implement that! Thank you for sharing!
Check your expectations at the door…you can’t expect him/her to know what you’re thinking/what you want unless you clearly tell him/her. He/she cannot read my mind.
So true, Kristal! Easier said than done though, right? Expectations can be tricky. Sometimes I don’t even realize I was expecting something until I am disappointed at not getting it. This touches on the idea of interrogating your spouse’s reality. King Solomon said long ago, “The purposes of a person’s heart are deep waters, but one who has insight draws them out.” (Proverbs 20:5 NIV) It takes work to clarify expectations and really get to know each other but it is so worth it. Thanks for your comment!