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So…. I never wanted kids. And now I’m pregnant. 37 weeks pregnant to be exact. Wow.
Let me explain. Growing up I was around a lot of different kids. I had siblings and several times we had young family members living with us. I took on the helper role very easily. I enjoyed helping and being an active part of the other kids’ lives. As I became older I took on more responsibility as I was the oldest of four. Again, most days I enjoyed helping, however I started to see just how much work it took to care for little ones.
As I grew up I always knew I wanted to be involved with children. First, I thought I wanted to be a pediatrician. Soon to realize shots made me want to pass out and maybe a doctor was not my future. Then, I thought I wanted to be a school counselor. Later, to settle into wanting to teach young kids. Throughout high school and college I worked at day cares, learning centers and was a nanny. Once again I saw just a small glimpse of what it took to care for children.
Now let me tell you a little something about myself. I prefer to do everything to the best of my ability. I mean surely we all do, but I want to give 110% to anything I commit to. I want to know I am giving it my all and it has all of my attention. With that being said I could NEVER could picture myself in a classroom all day with 25+ children, then come home to my own kids. I felt like I would be exhausted and my own kids would suffer from it. Or I would try to balance my own children, yet not give my teaching the attention in needed. In short, I felt like my students or my own kids would not get the attention they deserved and would suffer. I didn’t feel like that was fair.
I always saw myself as a business/working lady so it only made sense that I envisioned myself teaching instead of having my own children. My students would be my kids. Then, I could go home to a quiet house and relax for the next day where I gave 110% again. Made perfect sense to me! Now to find a man who didn’t want kids or to be single the rest of my life. Really I was okay with either. Whatever happened to workout would be fine. It is in my nature to care for people, but let’s be real I had 25+ little ones that needed care on a daily basis. I was sure my nurturing need would be fulfilled.
Insert Ryan. There I was completely happy with life. I found myself and who I wanted to be. I had a plan (of course) of how things would go. All was right in my world. And maybe that is exactly why we found each other! How we met is an interesting story in itself. We spent the first few days of us “talking” actually doing A LOT of talking. We were completely open and honest with each other like I had never experienced before. Three days in we were talking about our 5 and 10 year goals. Ryan’s included triathlon, speaking and having a family. Mine included finding my niche in the teaching world.
The next day Ryan approached me saying he didn’t know if we should continue to see each other. With such different views on our future family dynamic of him wanting kids and me not, he was not sure it was worth continuing our relationship. Remind you, this is day 4 of us knowing each other! However, we both knew we had really hit it off. If we continued this newly found relationship at this speed and level all just to end it a few more weeks or months down the road it would be even harder- all for something we knew on day three. What to do? I was awaiting acceptance or denial for a teaching position in Colorado about a week from then. I didn’t even know if I would be around much longer. We left that conversation with let’s just see what happens. Let’s go day by day.
We continued our relationship and I was denied the Colorado position. Day by day passed we got to know each other in such an open and honest way. Never had I been that transparent with someone. But somehow Ryan made me feel comfortable and made me want to. I felt safe and secure. I knew something was different this time around. I was falling hard. Not only could I be myself, but he encouraged me to become even a better version of myself.
As we became more serious Ryan saw the work I did for my students. He began to see the effort I put into my classroom. I dealt with struggles as each teacher does. Learning, changing, and adapting. There were rewarding times and there were hard times. Each semester seemed to have its own battle. At the same time I was seeing Ryan in my future until the end. I cannot pin point a day and time or when I had a crazy revelation. But at some point I started seeing myself having Ryan’s children. First, it was these visions that seemed really strange to me, but doable. Then, they turned into a reality of really seeing it happen. And then even into a desire. We had to get married first though! Ryan proposed and we got married 7 weeks later (no we weren’t pregnant yet 😉 ) with a running themed wedding.
Over the past 2 and a half years of marriage a lot of things have happened. We have been extremely blessed. We have worked hard. We are living a life we want to live. No longer am I teaching, but instead we are 37 weeks pregnant! So often I am reminded that God has a plan that is bigger and better than any plan we ever could set out for ourselves. This I know was a part of His plan. There is no other way to explain the connection with Ryan, our relationship, the change in my heart and desire to have children.
So here I am 37 weeks pregnant, never before wanting to have children, yet so extremely excited for this new chapter of life that I am about to start with Ryan!
Have you ever felt like you had a change of heart because of God’s plan for you?
Until Next Time- Truly Love,
Cassie
I love reading your story of personal growth and priorities! I used to think making lots of money was my goal and then I realized God did have another plan for me and that was teaching! 🙂
It is funny that you say that Pam. I think I might have always wanted to teach although people told me they didn’t make much money. So then I wanted to be a pediatrician! haha Money is not the issue. It is doing what you love and are called to do! Then, you learn to live a lifestyle that you can with the money you make!
Thanks for your honesty! It almost seems anathema (especially in church circles) to say you don’t want kids, but I didn’t want them either for a long time. It was when I got a nephew that I suddenly entertained the thought. I hadn’t realized I could fall so hard for a little baby. It was a few years and the right guy later, but I eventually embraced marriage and parenting.
Best wishes and many blessings to you as you add a little one to your family!
Sometimes it takes a heart change for something like this! Also, for me once I met my husband and we became serious I knew that I could do parenthood with him beside me. I knew he would be a great Daddy. I think that opened up my thoughts to it as well. Where previously I never felt confident enough with who I was with to even want to try to tackle that challenge! But now with Ryan I feel like it is going to be a challenge, but a great one we can do together as a team!
I think every teacher thinks, “What? More kids at home? No way!” I know I have. 🙂 I’m so excited for you and this new adventure you’re on!
Haha! I am glad I am not the only one Jo! Thank you so much. Yes, now that we are less than 3 weeks away from our due date we are all getting very excited to meet this little girl!
My husband and I didn’t want kids for the longest time. But now we are talking about how many we want. So we are in the same boat as you- well except for the already pregnant part. So excited for you sweet friend!! be blessed!