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My name is Jessi Frankman, from OurHappyHouses.com and I am so grateful to be writting this post for True Agape! I blog with my best friend Kelly about cooking, diy, and our life experiences. On our site I talk about my life with my husband a lot, so I feel right at home here talking about what I have learned from relationships.
My husband and I have been married for 2 years now, but we have been together for 4 years, and friends for almost 8. We have gone through so much together over the years. We had to overcome age, distance and circumstance to be together. Once we were living together we faced a whole host of new problems. We were forced to compromise for each other and to define what our goals were as a couple.
Needless to say, being married is stressful. Making the right decisions when you have someone at home to be accountable to is hard. I would be very suspicious of anyone who said it wasn’t or who didn’t own up to fighting. I know that I fight with my husband! We fight about all sorts of things. Money, friends, family, opinions, low blood sugar, you name it and we have fought about it. I feel like this is pretty normal, I’m not saying arguing itself is good, but it is a perfectly natural byproduct of being in a relationship. In a healthy relationship you will find that both partners have a certain amount of independence and opinions of their own which can lead to disagreements.
There is a point when fighting starts to damage your relationship though, and sometimes it can be hard to see when you are in the middle of an argument. You and your partner shouldn’t be fighting each other, but rather trying to solve a problem by compromising. This brings me to some advice I would like to share. I haven’t been married for 10 years, I don’t have kids, and I expect that there is still a lot to learn, but the lessons I have learned in the first years of my relationship are ones that I will try to keep in mind as time goes on and problems arise!
6 Questions to Ask Yourself in the Middle of a Fight:
1. Have you eaten anything in a while?
I know this might sound silly, but I can’t even count how many times I have started a fight because I was hungry. Sometimes our bodies make us grumpy and agitated. If you haven’t eaten, slept, or don’t feel well, take a moment to consider weather you might be over reacting and taking out your feelings on your spouse. Sometimes it is better to take a minute to have a snack or a nap, it might make you reconsider saying sorry.
2. Are you being mean?
You can’t expect to get along with anyone all the time, especially when you spend everyday with them. Just because they do something that makes you want to throw a remote at their head doesn’t mean you should. Just because you feel a certain way doesn’t give you the right to lash out and be mean. Name calling and put downs will damage your relationship more than a disagreement ever will.
3. Are you listening?
Lots of people don’t know how to listen. Hearing the words someone is saying is not listening. Listening is when you take your time to try to understand how they feel. Even if you completely disagree, take a moment to try and understand what they are saying, It will de-escalate the situation and make your partner feel like they are important to you.
4. Is there an obvious compromise?
In my opinion, compromising is where it is at. I give a little, you give a little, we’re both a little happy and a little unhappy. Fair. Some situations aren’t that simple, but if it is, it’s the right thing to do.
5. Do you love each other?
Sometimes this is the last thing I want to talk about when I’m angry, but isn’t that what it is all about? You probably wouldn’t even be arguing unless you cared for each other. Ultimately, if you are in love with each other, you can have faith that you will work through your problems together.
6. Is this argument worth it?
It is going to be a long life (hopefully) and you can’t be angry about everything, sometimes you just have to let things go.
Well that is my advice! What do you think? I am always interested in hearing from people who have been married longer than me! I hope that this post can help you out the next time you are arguing with your spouse. Thanks you for reading this post, and let me know what you think by commenting below!
What is a question you ask yourself in the middle of a fight?