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There is a lot of advice that can be found about marriage and how to keep a healthy relationship. Most of that information has great tips to abide by, for sure. But there has been one thing in our marriage that I know makes a huge difference for us. I am sure it would make a big difference for others too. Now you are going to have to hear me out on this. I’m sure some of you will read this and immediately say, “That won’t work for us.” For very few of you it literally can’t work. For others you are just not willing to make sacrifices. All I am asking is that you hear me out.
If you could or would figure out a way to do this one thing there are many benefits:
– You and your husband could be spending an hour or more (probably more, but I’m being conservative here) together each day.
– There would be time for you and your man to end the day by reviewing how the day was, share your goals or talk about your dreams.
– You would be able to start your day off on the right foot feeling loved and making sure your man knew he was loved.
– There would be more opportunities for you and your man to have intimate time together.
Ultimately, doing this one thing would allow you and your husband the ability to connect more often creating oneness in your marriage. Who does not long for that?!
What is this one thing that will allow me all the above mentioned benefits?
Go to bed and wake up at the same time as your spouse.
That’s it.
Now if I had to guess I would say for a large percent of people who just read that had about three reasons pop into their head about why that wouldn’t work for them. Am I right? Did that happen to you?
Continue to hear me out, will you? Like I said above, for some there are legitimate reasons that you can’t do this. Perhaps night shift work. However, I can not think of many others. Beyond that it takes a little bit of sacrifice and change of schedule. But the rewards you and your marriage gain are far worth the hassle in the beginning.
A few years ago Ryan’s work and workout schedule required him to start his day at 4:15am and end his day about 8pm. We already were going to bed around 8:30 (call us crazy, I know.) But the 4:15 wake up was going to be a big change! The first week or so I tried to continue to sleep past his wake time. I woke from the alarm, didn’t get good sleep once he was up making noises, and I didn’t get to see him before starting my day. Then, in the evenings Ryan would start wrapping his day up and want to go to sleep before me. This meant we went to bed separately or I laid there awake for awhile. Neither of which I liked.
We did this for a short time before I starting feeling pulled apart from Ryan. In just that week or two I started seeing how couples could become roommates just passing by each other. The idea frightened me. And all just so I could keep the schedule I was use to? It was worth the sacrifice of changing my schedule! I told Ryan my intentions and we began getting up and going to sleep together.
At that time I was teaching so I literally would be up 3 hours before I even had to be at work. Come to find out most of the world is still asleep that early in the morning and you can get a lot done. Some mornings we would get a workout in together or chat on the phone on the way to work. In the evenings we were getting ready for bed at the same time allowing us time to catch up on the day. If we are being honest just the simple fact of waking up and going to bed at the same time increases your odds of sex as well.
I know that getting up and going to bed at the same time might seem like a hard task at hand. However, I challenge you to try it for about two weeks. The first few days will be a bit challenging so you have to give it a little time. So try it out for two weeks. You will see how it can help you to connect with your spouse. You will start to see the benefits it has on your marriage. You will feel closer with your mate and feel more at peace with the rest of your day.
Some people may not agree with me so I am asking,
Do you agree or disagree that this one thing could help marriages?
Until Next Time- Truly Love,
Cassie
Kind of a discouraging post to read for those that do not have the same schedule and are not able to go to sleep and wake up at the same time.
Gina, I am sorry that you feel this is a discouraging post for some. I know there are some people because of extreme differences in schedules that going to bed and getting up together is impossible. This post was for those that can do so and choose not to which is the majority of couples. However, in no way am I saying if a couple does not go to bed and get up at the same time that their relationship is worse off, will not thrive, etc. I was sharing how this one thing has allowed our marriage to blossom and I know it can do the same for others. As always we are here to encourage you in your marriages!
I do work nights- 10 pm-6 am 5 nights a week and 6 pm-6 am 1 night a week. While my husband will sleep while I am at work, he does not sleep for more than 4-5 hours at a time. He will go to bed with me when I am ready, but there are many days where he wants me to go to bed an hour after I have gotten home, but I am not ready for bed that soon, and to get up too early makes me sleepy at work; while sleeping too many hours makes my body achy
It sounds like, Teresa, you and your husband have made an effort to spend time together even with your night shifts. Which is AMAZING! That is awesome because other people would say that is impossible. For you guys it may not work all the time, but take advantage of the days you can manage it.
Agree Agree Agree!
I agree and I also agree not everyone can do this. However, it does help marriages. After 42 years of marriage we’ve gone through the phases of going to bed and getting up together, of having separate schedules and having a mixture. While you have to do what works for you, sometimes I found we would make excuses to just do what we wanted to do. I am not a morning person, but I cooked Don a full breakfast at 3:30 am our first year of marriage because he commuted and had to be up that early. OK, I did go back to bed, but I shared that time with him. He’s an early riser and I’m a night owl. but we go to bed together (and yes, it makes the odds for sex on the plus side). You’ve learned a valuable lesson early in your marriage. Time spent together, awake and asleep, keep you from becoming married singles. Thanks for stepping out and posting this.
Thank you, Donna, for sharing your thoughts on this! I know marriages go through phases. You better believe when I was up with Miss M every 2 or 3 hours I did not get up when Ryan did. You make a valid point here about just doing what we want. I believe it is important to meet in the middle to find what works to ensure quality time is spent together.
My mom rose early with my dad when he was working. She made him a warm breakfast and packed his lunch. It was a great example of selflessness. She suffers from chronic insomnia and rarely makes it to sleep at 9:00 when he goes to bed but she lays down with him.
Wow, Helene, your mom is awesome! Shoot I am not even saying to fix a full out breakfast. I believe the simple act of being awake and asleep at the same time allows for time to connect that it would not otherwise.
Yes, I agree this could help marriages. It has rarely happened in our 8 years of marriage. My husband is a night owl and I desperately need 8-10 hours of sleep each night, so I usually go to bed way earlier than he does. This has created various tensions in our relationship, for various reasons. I would love it if he’d come to bed when I do (and I think it would help HIM too) but he’s not willing to. Thanks for sharing what has worked for you!
I do understand that we have created sleep habits for years before marriage and for some it is harder to tweak those habits than it is for others. I totally get that, Bonnie. Ideally, if both parties are willing to meet in the middle than that would be helpful. I am sorry that your husband is not willing to be flexible for your marriage when it comes to this. Just curious if you guys have specifically discussed the pros and cons of doing so? I am just wondering how that conversation would look for others since it didn’t really take place for us.
Great post! Of course it won’t work for everyone but if you think outside of the box you can find something similar that works for you and your spouse. My hubby works midnights and I work the day shift. We make a point of taking a walk every afternoon to discuss our day and reconnect (also, great exercise!). On his days off I try to be sure that I don’t have anything going on and make it “date day”. Just make time for your spouse and find what works for you- I’m pretty sure that was the point of the post. 🙂
I love your thought process here, Theresa! You make a great point: It may not work for everyone, but if the two of you are willing to make it work you can find something that works for your schedule. I like how you make sure to plan so that you can have time together no matter if he is working or has a day off. You are right. The point was if we both are willing to make a little sacrifice on what we would personally prefer we can better our marriage. I think that is the truth in general about marriage, not just our sleeping patterns!
We are very hit or miss on this. Sometimes we do; sometimes we don’t. It just depends what both of us are up to that night.
That makes sense, Brittany. I understand we go through phases. Right now I am not getting up with Ryan all the time because I am still trying to figure out how to balance everything with our 9 month old.
My husband and I have been married 29 years. He refuses to go to bed at the same time as me or even in the same room with me. He wants his space. I get up first every morning to fix him and the children a full hot breakfast. I am ready and available to sleep with him any time. He has lots of issues and refuses counseling, so I am growing closer to God and trusting Him in this difficult time in our marriage. Please pray for us.
I am sorry to hear this, Sue. But you are doing what you can by taking your concerns to God and still serving your family. Thank you for sharing openly about your situation. I said a prayer for you and your husband.
I didn´t know this could be a great tip for my marriage.
We can´t go to bed at the same time, that is for sure, I came too late, but what I started to do a few days ago is to get up at the same time my wife does and incredible we are spending now more time together during the week than before.
We now have the time to talk what we did the day before; we talk about our daughters and also about us.
Great post.
That is awesome, Josh, that you have made the effort to do that in the mornings. I am glad you are seeing a difference! Maybe waking up earlier will make you need to go to bed earlier too 😉
I tell my clients who are dealing with marriage closeness or struggle with porn/fantasy issues to make sure they go to bed at the same time. The hours after ‘bedtime’ can be some of the most unproductive and destructive time because of the easy availability of sexually charged movies and unaccountable computer time (both video games and porn). Some couples see the time after their spouse goes to bed as ‘my’ time and can begin to look forward to it. The temptation to step outside the marriage (with fantasy) is greatly reduced when couples (who can do it) simply make a habit of going to bed at the same time.
You make a wonderful point, Bob! Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experience about this. I had not thought about it from this perspective, but that is another great reason to add!
Hi Cassie,
I agree that this is a great thing to do if possible for couple’s. I’ve also read all the comments and am so glad to hear that most of you have either done this or found the right things that work for both of you. It’s uplifting to hear afte so many sites are so negative or one sided.
I’m new to your newsletter, and this is the first thing I read. I’m 54 and divorced from a difficult 18 year marriage. He was the one and only real love of my life. I was married before and have a 35 year old daugher. That marriage right out of high school was my attempt at getting out of my parents strict home. I thought it was love. He was the first guy who paid any attention to me in high school after going to a small catholic school for 8 years. My parents never gave me the attention or affection a child needs to build a foundation of self esteem and self confidence I was the youngest of three kids. Both my older sister and brother were out of the house long before me. I was never really told I was pretty or encouraged or praised by either parent. I excelled in school but never really heard any praise. I thought I was nothing special. Nor pretty, I was never told. My first marriage ended in under 5 years 4 year’s too long! He became abusive nearly at the sane time we said “I Do”. Daughter followed 10 months later. He wanted a baby. So I did that. Divorced when my daughter was 2, I spent a lot of time gravitating towards the wrong men. Men who were controlling but showed me lots of affection. I mistook their obsessive jealousy as love. I didn’t know… I’d heard from a lot of people from those days say that I was a snob, bitch, and one man that I stil talk with these days say I dumped the good guys for the bas ones. The good one i’m speaking of loved me more than I ever knew. Until these last few years. He never told me but he showed me in many ways. I used him terribly back then. I hurt him and formed his opinion of “most women” for his lifetime! I’ve tried reconnecting with him because I do have deep feelings for him. He says he’ll never have feelings like that again and us so bitter towards me at times that we stopped seeing each other. He hides his feelings. He says he’s too old for that kinda thing! There’s no changing his mind.
I’ve spent 18 year’s with a man I loved and trusted with my life. It turns out that I neve knew him at all.
Near the end of our marriage I found proof of at lesst two affairs. I’ve never been more devastated or heart broken. I truly had finally believed in soul mates. There wasn’t a day that went by that we didn’t say “I love you”. But as many of us know, words are easily said for many of us. The actions speak louder than words. He had the actions as well. And I did too. We did what you have done successfully for year’s. I made him a full course breakfast before he left for work and I went later. Several years ago depression hit me and hit me hard. I wasn’t capable of getting up with him. I tried and it was too hard. I had lost my job which caused financial problems and my Depression worsened. I sought help. And still do. That time being so ill and not being able to get up and do what we were accustomed to, changed everything. I’m not blaming him and i’m no longer blaming mysejf as I did for year’s while we struggled together. Or so I thought. If just maybe I had been able to keep that morning ritual up, maybe he wouldn’t have had all the extra time to spend on social media where he reconnected with severak women from his past and high school reunion. He kept things under cover for a long time. And I still believed him and trusted in him. We still had a good sex life. I thought that would keeo things going where I lacked Interest in other things that I enjoyed with him and by myself. Depression takes the joy out of things you once loved. It happened to me. It still does. But. He kept the act up and acted like the perfect doting husband, while I wax so ill or not. I know my situation is different from those I’ve read above. I wish it weren’t. I learned that he’d been having flings and affairs long before I became ill. It’s still hard for me to believe. But it’s fact. And not only did he do that, but he managed to turn everyone that I was close to, away from me. My daughter, who was telling me for year’s that I was the strongest person she knew was also siding with her now ex step dad and condoning what he was doing. He lied to everyone once I told him he had to leave. I couldn’t be with someone who had cheated on me for years and kept it a very good secret. No one else i was close to knows this. They only know of the last affairs, etc. when he’d convinced everyone that I was unstable and almost in a catatonic state. I never was that. He used my illness to cry on shoulders and get what he wanted. Mostly money and things. Not love he’s lived with 4 women now in the last 3 year’s. Moving in with each of them. This last one now, was a good friend of ours. They have nothing in common other than they’re both crazy about him. He fits perfectly into every trait of a spousal narcissist. I learned the meaning of the term after both my Dr and counselor had met him just one time each. It’s still all a very bad dream and nobody sees it but me. The now ex wife and supposed crazy person he’s made up in his mind where he can lie much better than ever tell the truth about anything. It’s the saddest and most unimaginable thing I could ever go through. I have learned a lot and am grateful for the kindness of strangers I’ve met that are more understanding and caring than my own family will ever be. It’s broken me completely. I spend all my time alone with just my dog. Thank God for her, because she gives me the only reason to get up each day. I’ve suffered several very traumatic events that have also gained me a new diagnosis of PTSD. I have a very hard time just leaving the house. A rental now, vs the home we owned and lost to foreclosure after I’d owned it 24 year’s he had no desire to continue making payments let alone maintaining it. It’s going on 3 years since I’ve moved in here. Just 5 miles from my old home and I’ve yet to unpack. Needless to say I don’t have any company. All thr friends I did have he alienated me from just as he did my daughter. He was that jealous and accusing of me of all the things he was guilty of. It was a hard lesson to learn indeed. One I don’t think I’ll ever get over. There are people like him everywhere. I’m glad thaf you and all those who’ve commented aren’t suffering through something like this. And to the lady who says theg are having problems, don’t be the only one of the two of you who’s trying to make it work. If he’s not at all, you may need to take a closer look and try to make him talk about WHY?? There usually is a reason. And I hope you both work through it. But not everyone can. Don’t beat yourself up being the only one trying to fix whatever’s broken. There are times when it is healthier for us to see things for what they’re worth. And we’re worth more than we think. So please consider that. And i’m sorry that I made this into a “book”, but my feelings just kept pouring out and I hope it may have done me some good to open up my broken heart and if it helps anyone that reads this, then it will be more than worth it for me. Thanks to whomever takes the time to read this. Best of all to all of you!
Hi Nancy,
Thank you so much for being vulnerable and sharing with us. For the most part the comments are all positive here, but there were a few on social media that didn’t agree as much. But we all are entitled to believe what we want. And some things just don’t work for everyone. This is something that has worked for our marriage so I wanted to share it.
It sounds like you have been through a lot. Often times we can not “figure it all out” of why things happened the way they did. We might drive ourselves crazy from it! But instead we take what we learned and the growth we gained from it and move forward. I know in tough situations that I truly don’t understand I just have to give it up. Just be okay with not understanding or knowing it all. I have to seek God for love and comfort. And that love and comfort is greater than what any earthly person can give us.
I have said a prayer for you. I hope that you can get past these event that have taken place and create joy and happiness in your life!
Thank you so much for contributing to our community!
My husband and I have been married for 28 years, and we have been doing this almost every day for most of our married life. Except for the very rare occasion, (like if one of us is sick), we always go to bed at the same time. On the weekends, though, he likes to get up early and get some work done while the house is quiet, so I usually sleep in a little. It’s like a little gift to me!
(By the way, we’re in the Tulsa area too. I noticed you did the Tulsa Run. We do that every year!)
Haha, what a small world Kathy! We love the Tulsa Run! It is very special to us. That is actually where Ryan and I met! You can read how we met. The following year we ran the race and got married that afternoon with a running themed wedding.
That is great that you and your husband have made it a priority in your marriage to go to bed at the same time. I do think it truly makes a huge difference! Thank you for sharing about your experience!
I love this article.
I have done this with my significant other for quite some time now. We used to work opposite schedules where he worked nights, but on days that he was home, I would do my best to stay up as late as he does just to go to bed together. It does almost always ensure sex, but it also ensures that we always get pillow talk about our day and the day after etc
Right, Steph! I’m not sure why but when we are both in bed laying there I think of a thousand things I want to share with my hubby. Maybe because there is no interruptions from kids! It truly is the best thing for our marriage. With a newborn who currently eats at our bedtime I’ve been missing going to bed together!
I totally agree. My man is a railroader and they have the craziest unpredictable inconsistent hours, but we make it work. If he comes home late at night, I get up and greet him. If he has to go to work early in the morning, I get up and make him a lunch to take and spend some time with him before he has to go. Sure, getting up at 3am for an hour makes it a little hard to go back to sleep but I’ve adjusted because I want to spend time with him. There are times he comes home at 2 am and needs to unwind, so I get up and I’m right there next to him, why wouldn’t I want to be the one he unwinds with or send him on his way with a kiss and a butt grab when he gets called in the early morning? He works his butt off to support us, it’s the least I could do to support him. And bonus, the kids rarely interrupt us.
That is dedication, Kirsten! But true about getting quiet time together. It is something that makes a big difference!