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Today we have Kassie Prather giving us some great advice! I have known Kassie since middle school and she blogs over at Dwelling Place. We attended church together and then went to the same college. I am so sad that she lives so far away now, but I know it is because she is doing her calling for the Lord! But any time I talk to her she has a wonderful attitude. I just love her to death! To give you a little insight to her personality this is her current Facebook profile picture:
I asked Kassie eight different questions for this interview. She had so much good stuff to say! So I decided to split it up into two posts so that we could soak it in a little better. Today, you will get to see the first half of this greatness and then on Wednesday I will share the second half! Hope you enjoy!!
How long you have been married, and how did you meet?
Riley and I have been married for 5 and a half years. We joke that we met through Hurricane Katrina. His dad took my high school youth group to do disaster relief work in New Orleans (I know- romantic, right?). During one of the devotions, he mentioned his son, who was going into ministry. A girlfriend nudged me and said he sounded cute. A few months after we got back from the trip, my friend told me she had found (read: stalked) this guy for me. She gave me his Facebook info, and so I shot him a message and said, “Your dad took us on a mission trip. Tell him thanks and hi.” (I found out later that his dad didn’t recognize my name until Riley said, “She says you called her Giggles.” Greeeaaaaat….) His dad said, “Oh, she’s a good girl!” Riley was also friends with my youth pastor who apparently said the same thing, minus the Giggles part. He became interested enough to start pursuing me through Facebook and phone conversations. A couple of months later, he came to visit me at college, and we had our first date. (He teases that what sold him was hearing me say I just wanted McDonald’s because I was a poor college kid who was low maintenance.) Two years later, he popped the question IN THE MIDDLE OF CHURCH. I guess that’s a perk of being a preacher boy.
As a newlywed, what is/was your biggest frustration or challenge?
So we really struggled- like REALLY struggled- with communication. I think people just assumed that since we were headed off into the sunset via the ministry train, we had everything figured out. That was totally not the case. Neither one of us really had a great parental example of conflict resolution, so 8 months into our marriage, we were sitting in a counselor’s office getting tools on how to fight fair and how to love one another through communication. I learned not to shut down in the middle of conflict, and Riley learned how to make me feel safe enough to come out of my shell and play. We’re still learning these things. But if communication is screwed up (or not happening), there’s no way to be a healthy picture of Christ and the church.
What advice would you give to a newlywed couple?
My first response was to say a lot of little things addressing different symptoms- don’t do this, make sure you say that. But really, if you want to get down to the heart of it all, let Jesus define your marriage. Allow Him to shape your hearts as spouses and to create your roles and to help you love one another lavishly. He created marriage to be a beautiful, life-filled magnet that draws people to Himself. If we live this relationship out in our own strength, it will resemble a blackened, wilting thing that should have been a robust blossom. We will be burned out, angry, bitter, and hopeless. That’s the opposite of what Christ had in mind. Let Jesus fill you up consistently and overflow all over your spouse in grace, hope, joy, and life.
What is the best advice you received?
Our counselor told us that we had misunderstood the point of communication. Its purpose is not to be heard, but to understand the other person. When that clicked, our tone of conversation changed. The yelling and interrupting gave way to asking questions and creating a safe environment. That advice can bleed over into every area of your marriage with a very biblical question—are you putting your spouse over yourself? This affects the budget, the calendar, the bedroom, the kids. I love how God can give us a principle that seems simple (not easy, but simple) but that impacts so much of our lives.
I told you she has some good stuff to share!! So on Wednesday check back to read the rest of Kassie’s advice that she has learned through her marriage thus far!
What is something Kassie shared that resonated with you?
Until Next Time – Truly Love,
Cassie
I love her honesty!! How beautiful it is to see a couple struggle and learn how to communicate well with one another. Thank you for sharing her and the wisdom she has gleaned from 5.5 years of marriage!
Sometimes it is nice to see couples go through something and come out victorious with God’s grace! Gives us hope as well!
Kassie really got me thinking about communication and its purpose. I wonder though what about when you feel you are openly communicating with your spouse but what you say you want or need isn’t being “listened” to. Meaning, you make clear what you need or think and he listens and nods and agrees and then doesn’t act on what you have said? It’s hard sometimes when it feels like you are communicating but the other person is still not following through. Advice?
That is a good one Pam!
First thing that comes to mind is maybe he really is not hearing you. Are there other distractions as far as tv or even in his mind if things have been hectic. Maybe if there is something you really want him to hear give him some warning. “Babe tonight at dinner I would like to talk to you about some things I have been thinking.” “Can we make some time to talk tonight about some things that have been on my mind?” This should alert him to it is important to you. Then, when the conversation starts make another statement that lets him know this is important stuff you are talking about. “I have been having these feeling and I really want to share them with you so we are on the same page.” Tells him it is important but also he is needed. This next is a strategy I was taught for parent conferences but I use it in any situation. Two positives then what needs to be worked on. “I am so appreciative that you work all day to provide for us. I am so thankful that you do it with a great attitude. I have been feeling I could use your help in the kitchen maybe once a week. It would give me a little break but also allow us to spend some extra quality time together.”
I would start there. 1) Making sure he knows what you are about to say is important and 2) Making sure he is actually ‘present’ to hear you and 3) Letting him know he is doing great in other things but you would appreciate if he did xyz.
Hope that helps. Feel free to private message me more specifics if you want to chat further. Anyone else have some ideas for Pam?
Hey, Pam! So here’s a little something I learned from our counselor that has provided a lot of freedom both personally and relationally: the idea of offering an invitation. When you communicate and then expect your spouse to follow through, it tends to make him feel obligated. If he does do whatever you expect of him, it is forced and (maybe) only halfhearted. But if you INVITE him to do something, he can respond joyfully and with love, feeling that he gets to choose to serve you. So the invitation concept can breathe a whole new level of life into your marriage, but it does carry along a caveat: when someone turns down an invitation, you can’t get your feelings hurt (because it was just an invitation, not an expectation). I have struggled a TON with control issues, and the real question is, would you rather control your husband and get what you want, or give him the freedom and space to choose and risk not getting what you want? The world says, Go after what you need! But that has landed me in a whole mess of control and a husband who felt dominated, unloved, and backed into a corner. Inviting your spouse to do something offers grace either way and puts him ahead of yourself. It’s hard, but the payoff is a mate who serves you because he WANTS to, who knows he is loved even if he chooses not to fulfill a request. (Now, if he never chooses to fulfill a request, there may be some deeper issues, but I’m assuming there will be some times he will choose to serve you and other times he won’t.) Hope this helps. 🙂
Kass- I like the sound of this but can you give us an example of how you would invite your husband to do something? I think that would help clear it up for me at least! Thanks 🙂
Sure. 🙂 So we word it in the format, “Would you be willing to…?” That way it’s not up to our ability (“Can you”) or even an innate love of doing a particular chore (“Would you like to”). Often, we can do something but not love to do it. So we say, “Hey, would you be willing to take out the trash?” or something like that. Because we have the freedom to choose that willingness, it creates a safe environment where we both feel loved and able to serve out of that love. Again, if for whatever reason your spouse is unwilling to help (or whatever), it can’t be a big deal, because you simply offered an invitation. Just as much as it helps from the angle of alleviating obligation, it also takes the weight of feeling like you are morally mandated to get upset off of your shoulders. This helped me learn to take things in stride rather than become personally offended when Riley chose not to help.
Thank you for explaining this, Kassie. That makes more sense to me now!
Best advice for a newlywed couple: date nights at least once a week. No brainer!
Hey! I love date nights! We have made it a habit to go on weekly dates, and that has helped our relationship a lot. The reason I didn’t put that as my BEST advice, though, is because of something I learned in ministry. Riley and I counseled a couple one time who were on the brink of divorce. They had regular date nights. The issue wasn’t how much time they spent together- it was their hearts. They were centered on themselves and came to us with a broken marriage. I learned that you can have all the date nights you want, but if Jesus isn’t influencing and informing your relationship, there’s no guarantee that both spouses’ selfishness won’t ultimately destroy the bond they once had. So don’t get me wrong- date nights are awesome. But I personally love Jesus more than I love dating my husband. Lol. So that’s why I chose Christ as the best advice. I’ve counseled too many people who were broken to think that He is not the answer in every single case. Just a thought. 🙂
Good point!
I think this is important especially if one of your love languages are quality time!