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Rebecca Lemke is a 19 year old work from home wife, mother and mommy blogger. She blogs at newcrunchymom.com and is a contributor as a 2015 Best Performance of the Year nominee at thepublicblogger.com.
I was told not to do it; get married young that is. The reasons varied, but they all went something like this…”You need to get your degree, pay off your vehicle and live on your own before you get married.”
Were these people well-meaning?
Yes.
Did I listen?
Mostly.
Yes.
Did I listen?
Mostly.
But I still got married at 18 years old.
Here is what I learned:
1. Some people won’t be happy, no matter what you do.
I was nearly finished with an Associate’s degree when I got married, had lived on my own, and had paid my vehicle off in one payment. I had done everything that was asked of me. I had checked every one of their “requirements” off of the list. That didn’t appease the masses though, because it wasn’t about the accomplishments.
It was about the maturity level associated with the age that people usually accomplish these tasks. While it is true there is a correlation between age and maturity level, there is no causation. There is no checklist that will make you ready for marriage, no matter what age you are.
2. The challenges are unique and support is essential.
When you get married young, you face different challenges than you would if you got married in your mid-twenties. There is often less support because there are fewer people in the same situation as you. There is also a social stigma attached to your relationship that isn’t there for people who get married at the “appropriate” age.
I was blessed with a small, but dedicated support system that included family, friends, and young marriage supporter and college professor, Mark Regnerus. These people gave us encouragement and advice both for the present and for the future.
3. “Finding yourself” happens together.
A lot of people told me I needed to “grow up” before I got married. They said I needed to find myself before I committed to loving and dedicating my life to another person. They believed it wasn’t possible to “find yourself” while married.
It’s not impossible, it is just different. You don’t need to be single to find yourself, but in order to find yourself when you are married young, you need to be assertive and mature in your ability to communicate.
4. Boundaries are important.
In order to form your own unique personality and “find yourself” when you get married young, you need boundaries. Boundaries are the cornerstone of a healthy relationship.
The power to voice your concerns and set limits is important for any marriage, but I feel like it is especially important when you are young and more prone to being influenced. It’s not enough to know that you can say “No.” to your spouse, it’s believing that it is okay and even healthy sometimes.
5. Other people do not have the authority to invalidate my marriage.
My age does not invalidate my marriage or my ability to consent. I cannot count the number of people who have tried to tell me this. I’ve heard it all, including remarks about how it should be illegal for me to have made the decision to marry so young.
Ultimately, the opinion of others has no influence on my marriage, they do not have the power to effect it unless they are given it by my husband and I. The only opinion we are concerned with is God’s.
6. Young marriage isn’t for everyone.
Leading up to the wedding, and shortly after, I received a lot of criticism for the choice I was making. I was told the statistics of how often any marriage, let alone a young one, fails.
Marriage is a serious undertaking, and it isn’t for everyone. The same holds true for when you get married. But for me, getting married young was the right decision.
What do you think is the best way to support a young married couple?
I read your post with interest. I don’the think there is a perfect recipe for a lasting marriage. I do know the ones who make it into their golden years have a commitment to their marriages that sees them through the “what was I thinking” days. God bless you and your husband in your walk together.
Hi Susan!
You know, I completely agree! If there was a perfect recipe then everyone could do it, at least in theory. The “what was I thinking” days are a perfect time to break out the wedding pictures, at least for me. 🙂 Thank you for sharing your opinion and God’s blessings to you as well!
Commitment IS the secret ingredient, no matter what recipe you use. When my husband and I went through premarital counseling almost 23 years ago, the first thing our very wise pastor said to us was, “Forget about love. It’s not about love. It’s about commitment.” Those were harsh words to a couple of starry-eyed kids in love. We were older than 18, but 22 doesn’t seem like much older now. My definition of commitment is doing what you said you would do, even when it’s not fun anymore. And that’s exactly what he meant. Commitment gets you through, when it’s not fun anymore. It won’t always be fun. And no matter who you are, it IS always work. But it is ALWAYS worth it on the other side. We will be celebrating 22 years in a couple of months and we are still very much in love. I am eternally grateful for those priceless words spoken to us by that precious man, and that God etched them in our hearts. I consider it my duty to pass them along whenever I can.
PS – I do not advocate staying committed to someone who is abusive or habitually adulterous.
Laurie- You are so right. Love is commitment. They are one in the same. So often people think of love as a feeling, but really it is an action. Congratulations on the 22 years! That is amazing!
You are wise beyond your years, and that’s likely the reason you’re able to handle such a momentous commitment. I’m glad you chose to ignore the advice of your peers, and listen to your soul instead. Unfortunately, I spent my youth listening to the external chatter, which kept me bound to a man who habitually cheated and mistreated me. Marriage is about love — loving that other person, and yourself too. Sometimes the latter part is forgotten. Sounds like you have a good thing going for you! All the best. 🙂
Thank you! <3 I am sorry to hear about your situation, I hope it has improved! I read the book Boundaries before I got married and I really attribute being confident and standing up for myself as part of the things I learned from it. I hope you have a Merry Christmas!
Everyone has a different story. I wanted to get married young but God had a different plan in mind. He knows what’s best for us! I’m glad that getting married young was right for you!
I had initially planned on never getting married at all, actually! God sure works in mysterious ways, doesn’t he? 🙂 Thank you for your kind comment and Happy New Year to you! <3