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Laura Radniecki is an inspirational blogger and commercial + portrait photographer from Minnesota. She is married to her high school sweetheart, Matt, and obsessed with their feisty toy poddle, Remy. She also has wild dreams of traveling the country in an RV and being the youngest Snow Bird in Minnesota history. She blogs about photography and living with intention at www.lauraradniecki.com.
The word “triathlon” had very little meaning to me five years ago.
I knew what a triathlon was, and I knew a few friends who had taken the triathlon class offered back when we were in high school. But aside from knowing it included three different sports, and sometimes involved a big race called an Ironman, I didn’t know much.
Oh, how things change.
My husband Matt spent 2005-2009 as an Active Duty Marine, stationed on Oahu, Hawaii. During that time, he did two tours to Iraq. Matt’s time was spent either training up for a deployment, or readjusting back to normal life after returning stateside, leaving little time for hobbies.
In 2010, we had moved back home to Minnesota, and Matt was in an accelerated bachelors degree program at the local college. He was busy, but life looked very different from what it had the previous four years.
I’ve always taken after my dad, and had an abundance of hobbies I enjoy. I love to read, and I love just about any kind of craft project or DIY adventure.
Matt, however, didn’t have a hobby that he enjoyed. He hadn’t had much time for one in the Marines, and now that he was home, he wasn’t sure what interested him. I remember telling him, “You should find a hobby.”
In the summer of 2010, his mom randomly asked him if he wanted to sign up for a local triathlon taking place a few weeks later. He said, “Why not?” and they registered. They practiced swimming in the lake a few times before the race, ran and biked a time or two, and Matt showed up on race day wearing board shorts. They both completed the race.
The triathlon bug had bitten them both.
In the 5 years since then, Matt has gone from a triathlon amateur wearing board shorts at a race, to qualifying to represent Team USA in the Triathlon Sprint World Championships this fall.
What started as a hobby has morphed into a passion for him.
I don’t share Matt’s enthusiasm for triathlon. I’m not a runner, and really – I don’t enjoy any exercise much at all. My hobbies still include reading and crafts, as well as leisurely walks outside in the sunshine. I think you could say Matt and my hobbies are polar opposites.
I am glad Matt found something he thoroughly enjoys and I’m extremely proud of his accomplishments. But things aren’t always rosy around here; triathlon has brought some turmoil into our lives over the years.
There are some triathlon spouses that don’t have any issue with “sharing” their spouse with triathlon. They don’t mind the training and don’t feel any annoyance or jealousy at all.
I’ll be honest; I’m not one of those people.
There have been times over the last five years, especially recently as Matt’s training volume has increased dramatically, where I regret telling him to go find a hobby. Or, I wish he’d have chosen something different. My goal in writing this post is to reach any other triathlon spouses out there who might be feeling this way. I want you to know that you’re not alone, and it’s ok to feel this way.
I have a love-hate relationship with triathlon for a variety of reasons. The biggest ones being the amount of time required to train, the financial investment of ALL THE GEAR, the weekends being tied up because of race after race, and the fact that because I’m not a triathlete too, I’m not part of “the club.”
However, as Matt and I have navigated the last five years with him racing triathlon, I have learned a few things that help me make peace with it all.
1. Try it too. Or don’t.
For some people, once their spouse gets bitten by the triathlete bug as they call it, they want to try it out too. If this interests you, go for it! Maybe you’d be like the couples in Matt’s triathlon club that both train and race.
If you’re like me and you have no interest in doing it yourself, then don’t. And don’t apologize for it. I get asked all the time if I race too. I laugh and say, no. It’s as simple as that. You don’t need to explain why you don’t want to do it, and you don’t have to feel bad.
2. Find ways to be involved.
I am a commercial and portrait photographer, so for me, an obvious way that I involve myself with Matt’s races is taking photos as I watch. It keeps me engaged in the race and allows Matt to have photos to look through later.
If you’re not interested in photographing the race, something as simple as making a sign and cheering them on is great. The important thing is to be involved somehow and show your support.
3. Communicate.
This is something Matt and I have gotten better at over the years, especially as Matt’s training volume has increased. When he makes his training schedule for the week or month, he will ask me about activities we have coming up, so his workouts don’t interfere or mess up our plans.
Even though he might still have 3 hours of training to do on a Saturday, I appreciate him asking when the most convenient time would be for him to do it. It means a lot to me that he’s involving me in the plan, and that he is trying to work the training into our lives, instead of work our lives into his training.
4. If possible, match your schedules.
When Matt first started getting up at 5am to exercise before work, my usual bedtime was 11pm or 12am. I’m a photographer and I work from home, plus I’m a natural night owl. So, his newfound routine of 9pm bedtimes and 5am wake ups did not interest me in the least.
Over the years though, our bedtimes have gradually shifted so now, we both go to bed around 9:45 or 10pm. I might sleep or I might read for awhile. I don’t get up with him at 5am usually; I’m less of a morning person than he is. But even the simple act of going to bed at the same time has done wonders for making us feel like our lives are more in sync.
If this isn’t an option for you, that’s ok. And if you don’t want to go to bed at 10pm, that’s ok too. You might be surprised though, how something as simple as shifting your schedule can help you feel more connected.
5. Explore your hobbies.
Triathlon is an expensive sport and chances are there is always more gear on your spouse’s “List”. If you aren’t allowing yourself a little room to explore your own hobbies, it’s easy to start feeling resentful about all the money triathlon requires, and feel like you’re not able to do anything for yourself.
It’s important that you take time for yourself and encourage whatever types of hobbies you like. For me, I love to read so I can often be found on the couch, nose in a book while Matt’s working out in the basement.
Whatever you enjoy doing, you need an outlet. Otherwise, I promise that resentment is just around the corner.
I don’t love triathlon and I probably never will.
I will probably always wrestle with some resentment over the training time and financial investment it requires, as well as having to share my husband with the sport.
But I’ve come a long way over the years, and I continue to do my best to work through the nagging resentment. I know how much Matt loves the sport, and I am proud of his hard work and dedication, as well as his achievements.
I may not love triathlon, but I do love my husband, and I am learning to be the most supportive triathlon spouse I can possibly be!
What is something you have learned along your husband’s triathlon journey?
Make sure to check out more of Laura’s honest and intentional writings over at www.lauraradniecki.com.
I can totally relate to this! My husband is two months away from his first Ironman, and the training has been crazy. He rightly said when he took it on that it would be a team effort because we’ve all — the two of us and our two daughters — had to adjust our schedules, lives, and expectations because of this. We’ve learned to be really intentional with the time we do have together, and he’s been great about being fully present and active with us when I know he’s got to be worn out and exhausted. We’re still learning how to be a better support crew for him, and it helps when we remind ourselves (okay, when I remind my very selfish, resentful self!) that it’s a GOOD thing that he’s healthy, happy, and reaching goals he never dreamt possible. (Oh, and he looks really great with his shirt off. So, there’s that. Ha, ha!)
Thank you, Jenn for sharing honestly! It is a huge commitment for the whole family. Seeing how we are on the journey of Ryan becoming a professional triathlete we are in a race build about 9 months out of the year. And last year he did a race in December so we were in training mode ALL year long. It really does have to become a lifestyle. For me with a little one now it makes it a little harder because I want a break and time away too. We have decided to implement an evening where Ryan spends it with the baby and I get to do what I would like to do. (Baby and I go to the gym during the day, so this is more for creativity time). Knowing that you have a little time for yourself helps. I saw you were from TX, he wouldn’t happen to be doing Marble Falls in April would he? That is where we are headed next.
He’s doing the Ironman Texas in the Woodlands in May. We’re so excited!
Oh that is exciting! Hope his first one is a wonderful experience. Way to be supportive and helpful in him reaching his goal!
Thanks for this post. My husband is a passionate marathoner. He’s done Boston and we went to New York when hurricane Sandy caused the cancellation of the marathon. My husband is registered for New York again this coming November. Yes, it costs alot. I”m not sure we can afford to all go – myself and our daughter, age 13. It is hard when so many of our trips have been to go where there’s a marathon. I’d love to go on a trip somewhere just to be together as a family. We’ve been married for almost 22 years but it’s not always easy.
Also, Cassie, I notice you and your husband’s difference in race. I’m caucasian Canadian and my husband is Nicaraguan. This is also something that can cause stress as our backgrounds are so different. This is a totally different topic but wondering if this is something that causes stress in your marriage as well?
Thank you, Marcia, for stopping by! I know traveling for races is something that we often do to. As you were describing all of our travels were for racing as well. Two years ago we went on a trip that way for a conference and then some relaxed time. We enjoyed it so much we said we had to start traveling some just for us. We have done better with that but also if we are traveling for races we find places we have never been and/or add a few days on either side of the race to enjoy some vacation time.
On your second question about ethnicity and race. I am Caucasian. Ryan’s mom is Caucasian and his dad is African American. However, Ryan was raised primarily with his mom in a community that was primarily Caucasian. He has said before that he identifies himself as biracial, but feels he was raised and related to more the Caucasian side. I would venture to say with a relationship where there are two different races, but still in the same area verses two races from two different areas there would be different kind of stresses. Saying all that I don’t feel I can give much thoughts or advice on this. However, I will for sure reach out to some fellow bloggers to see if they have some resources or thoughts on this. So stay tuned! 🙂
Thank you for asking about a topic you are interested in learning more about! Always interested to hear from our community!
Great post! I also can relate to this! My husband has done two Ironmans, the most recent was in Wisconsin 1 month after our daughter was born. I went, but told him I will never take a little baby to that again. It was exhausting and I cried a lot. Triathlons are so demanding, but so rewarding for the participant. We are your neighbors to the south in Iowa…we probably have been at the same races too!
Hey Molly!
Oh yes, I brought my 6 week old daughter to an Ironman. Although I did have some support from my mom who stayed at the hotel with her some of the day. But going back and forth and SUCH a long day was brutal! I was emotional too! But it was great to have her there for pictures and it kept him moving knowing we both would be at the finish line waiting for him! How old is your daughter?
Is your husband racing this year? We will be in Texas in May and then here local Oklahoma City in September for Worlds. If you will be at either we could meet up!
Hi! My daughter is 1 year now and we have another on the way…due in May. So all Ironmans and most races are on hold. He wants to do Colorado next year so that is probably our next adventure! Good luck to your husband on his races this year!
Hi Cassie,
Great post and has made me feel less alone. I have been with my partner for 9 years and married for 6 months. He is a keen triathlete and doing a half iron man in August and then hopes to do an iron man next year. Sometimes i find it really hard, so i am definitely going to use your tips. I would like to start a family but am thinking of waiting until after the iron man but i think that isnt helping the resentment? After reading all the responses i feel this may not be a one time thing and some of you make it work with young children!
Thanks again 🙂
Hi Louise- I am glad this post was helpful for you! I will say don’t bank on him doing his first half and then his first full and him being done with triathlons. Those of us athletes (I have done marathons) who are crazy enough to do these “extreme” distances typically don’t just do it once. We like to compete with ourselves and do better, etc. If you know what I mean 😉 So don’t wait to start a family just for that or else the resentment may just grow more. But it sounds like you guys could benefit from having a real conversation about what starting a family looks like with his training. What ways are you willing to support him? What time is he willing to commit to you? When do you guys want to get pregnant and how to races/travel look like around that. Ryan did an Ironman 2 months after baby number 1 came and I was exhausted trying to keep up on race day. He will be doing another race about two months after this baby 2 arrives as well but we have discussed how it might look differently and what we get to do to make it work for everyone. Ironman distance training and racing for sure requires support from the family, but also requires the participant to being willing to create a win/win for the family as well. If you two have been together for 9 years you will get through this too! Communication- just with everything else- is key here!
I’m certainly feeling the impact of my partners obsession with triathlons. I started off waking up early on my weekends to watch races, even went to watch her race in the world championships a couple of times which meant our holidays evolved completely around what she wanted… but I started to realise that my time was also valuable, and it seemed very focused on her. Then I was told I was not supportive, because I stopped watching the races – which I found to be rather boring and time consuming since I only get two days off a week. And the more she wins the more obsessed she gets. Her ego is being stroked by her club, she can only relate to people who do triathlons, everyone else seems boring, unfocused, no goals, not a champion like her………. Triathlons build these people’s ego to make them feel super human, like they are doing something good for humanity? When they are simply exercising…. in fact putting their bodies under such immense stress, that they get sick and injured. And likely to feel the pain later on in life when they realise what that stress does to the body.
Now her summer is spent going away on weekends with her club mates to do races, and im not invited, and she doesn’t want me there because ill get in the way. All they want to do is talk about triathlons? That I’m the selfish one for getting angry that she goes on weekends away with her friends and not me, im there to support her on the couch when she wants to pass out at 8:30pm from exhaustion from being up since 4 am riding her bike.
Hi Bree- I am sorry you are dealing with this! It can be very frustrating when one partner feels the training/racing creates an imbalance in the relationship. I am actually working on a post more about this topic so keep a look out for it. My first thought is to really dig deep within yourself and ask what is at the core of the dislike for her training/racing. Not just what bothers you, but why does it bother you? Do you feel she doesn’t support you? Do you feel like she is choosing it over you? Do you feel left out? Etc. Once you figure out what really is bothering you you can request something to help balance the relationship back out. If you feel like you two are lacking quality time maybe you request date night after her long Saturday workout. I know it can be hard, but there is usually a way to meet in the middle if both partners are willing to make it work. I hope this helps!
Unfortunately since writing this comment we have since broken up from a 10 year relationship. I really did try to explore why I was so upset. But whenever I attempted to explain my side or suggest that we sat down and made a few compromises, I was met with comments that made me feel like I was being the selfish one. Obviously there are many other underlying issues as to why our relationship broke down, so I’m not blaming the sport of triathlons as such.
But I do feel that triathlon/ironman’s is marketed in a way that does make some people believe they are doing something super human. Unlike other sports, like basketball, soccer etc. Triathlons really have amazing marketing “You are a champion” ” Don’t let anyone get in the way of your dreams”. You can even represent your country if you do well (at a huge personal expense, but you get to wear the green and gold just like an Olympic champion).
My partner, a type A type personality, has had numerous addictions, so to turn her focus to a sport was fantastic. And she excelled at it. She got praise from loved ones who thought it was wonderful she was focused on a healthy sport. She represented Australia in the worlds. But any addiction, isn’t healthy when you don’t get to the root cause of why you throw yourself into something again and again. The sport was what made her happy, got her praise, she got a high off it, so did more and more and more of it to prove her self worth, perhaps? You could see how anxious she would be if she didn’t get her daily high, “the runners high” apparently is what they call it. Things in her life were extremely stressful, so I can see why she throws herself into sport, cos who wants to face reality. That was my job to do, all the boring stuff.
I’ve read a lot into it, about excessive sport and why people throw themselves into it. It is extremely interesting….. and more and more people are throwing themselves into triathlons. I wonder if it correlates with how many unhappy, stressed people there are these days…. and triathlons have tapped into the right market!
But again the break down had many other reasons. And I’m sure there is a very happy medium of training for a triathlon, as long as you are inclusive of your partner, make sure you do things that your partner enjoys doing so it isnt always focused on yourself, recognise the little things your partner does while you’re out training and do something romantic to acknowledge this and make them feel worthy, even if they are just waiting for you to come home to spend time together, dont expect your partner to watch every race, and if they do, do something fun together afterwards….. and make time to exercise with your partner, that doesn’t just involve a run, swim or ride……and have rest days!
Thank you, I’m currently going through this with my type A husband. You hit the nail on the head for me — he does always look for the “runner’s high” and the high fives/Pat on the back/your a hero recognition. It is draining. I love that he exercises for his stress level, I just wish he can be satisfied instead of looking for more. It is almost like once he peaks at a certain sport or type of exercise, he searches for the next best thing. And I’m the one in the background dealing with keeping everything on schedule, making sure everyone’s needs are meet — Sometime forgetting my own and I get resentful. I’m all about supporting but not about comprising myself entirely, to put of being used up and rung out, rinsed and repeated — I refuse. And my refusal isn’t just for my own good, it is for my son as well. I don’t want him thinking that this is how a relationship works.
And don’t get me wrong my husband isn’t abusive. He is provides for his family and is attentive to his son (when he can be), but he is type A and his use to having things done for him to advance in life — he comes from a family that would lay on the floor for him to walk on, even to this day, even though he doesn’t live with them. This has always been a struggle in our relationship, so when I refuse to do that he shuts down. And it is that I don’t want to support him, I do and have, but I don’t think it is fair that I have give up want I need to do so.
Hi,
I’m a first time mom and a wife of a first time triathlete. A little background on my husband and our relationship… My husband is a very intense person with an intense job and is the person that his migrant family relies on heavy to help them with their managing retirement or just anything that they do; my husband needs exercise in his life to level out his stress level. I get it, I am a proponent of him exercising — before he got into exercise, he (10 years ago when we were dating) would drink heavily and do reckless things to deal with stress. We got through that hump in our relationship together and I support through the process he went through in order to make the change of become a more healthy person – it was a hard process and I was happy to support.
Fast forward to now, his about to turn 40 and we was an 18 month old boy. We both work from home . However, now that he wants do a triathlon before he turns 40; he asked me what I thought I said it’s something that you need to do and do it, but how is your training going to affect the family. He swore it won’t; but even With all his efforts trying to make his training work all the small things that occur within a family ends up falling on me. And with the personality type of my husband when when he’s consumed with something else he’s like a stone wall when comprehending my struggles and what I need. Recently he told me he now wants to do an Iron Man six months after his triathlon. Needless, to say he’s already been bitten by triathlon bug even before completing the race, as he is a CrossFit addict already and has been for sometime so should I really be surprised? I guess not. When he told me about Iron Man but he wants to do in December I told him I don’t support it. He was very shocked and upset. I said I am not signing up for a life of traveling around the world for the country with our state that we live in to watch you run these Fitness races every couple of months. Your training puts stress on me that I cannot handle and takes away from things that I want to do and how I want to raise our new family together. We got to huge fight and he can’t believe how I’m non-supportive, and accuse me of how I never really supported him doing his first triathlon it was all a lie. And honestly I do support him doing his first triathlon because I knew it was important for him to get this done before he turned 40. But I can still be upset about the stress that it causes within our family life and it puts on me and should be able to articulate how I feel. Call it bitching and moaning if you will, but I have a right so then he this morning he tells me he’s not doing the triathlon because I’m not supportive of it and doesn’t wanna cause any friction in our family and he’s quitting his training for the triathlon. I said to him don’t quit because of me because I want you to do the triathlon. He said no you don’t stop lying, you said that you don’t support and don’t want to live that life. I said don’t confuse what I said I don’t want to go around the world in the country everyCouple of months watching you do these races and having you always train. Do your triathlon this year and then do one race next year. But with my husband it’s all or nothing. So now he’s going to be walking around thinking that he’s quitting his training because of how I feel, when I specifically told to him, “finish this triathlon, you need to do it. I want you to do it.” Now is him quitting part of this first time for Triathlon jitters— my emotions and my feelings are giving him validation to quit? should I even bring this up to him?
Any Advise or input is welcome – help! He is driving me insane.
I am currently here. Its really hard to see the good a lot of days. I’ve brought up many times the lack of intimacy, quality time, chores around the house. Its frustrating. I find myself shutting down every couple of weeks when my needs are not met. I don’t feel I ask a lot. I make the majority of our meals, I do 90% of the cleaning/house chores, I initiate intimacy (or used to anyway, after a while it gets tiring not being noticed when you are walking around the house naked). He used to be a very complimenting person and always wanting to touch. We don’t go on dates, we dont watch movies and well he hasnt really made time to do anything the last few weeks. He is an introvert so he is home all the time. We work together, twice a week at a fitness club and he just started a nutrition business 6 mos ago. His time is literally spent on his computer, phone and training. When my exhaustion shows through and I break down, he says he knows he can be better and that he will and its good for a few days and then right back to it. I am studying my personal training course and an artist (weird combo right?) and live a fit life myself but I am no triathlon but keep busy and ALWAYS am asking him about his training. His Ironman is the beginning of August and I hope he will not do another…. Does that make me selfish?! He says one and done…
I am reading about this “triathlon bug” and really hoping its not going to be a thing.