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Emma Merkas is an Australian relationships and marriage writer and the co-founder of Melt: Massage for Couples, a beautiful online video series that teaches couples the secrets to an amazing massage. She has been married to her business partner Denis for five years, together for ten.
So you’re the lucky person married to someone with the Physical Touch Love Language? I have some tips for you. I am a Physical Touch person through-and-through and I’m married to an Acts of Service man. Communication can be hard.
Once, before I even knew what a Love Language
That’s not because he’s an uncaring person, it’s just not high on his Love Language radar. He has to consciously engage that side of him if he wants to keep me feeling loved, and it takes some effort on his part.
He’d rather be spending the day installing new memory in my laptop for me, or washing my car to show me his love… meanwhile, I keep telling him that it’s much simpler than that. I just need to be close.
It was truly a relief the day I found Dr Gary Chapman’s book
If you’re with a Physical Touch type, perhaps you’ve noticed their near-insatiable appetite for contact with you. You really are lucky, because it’s a beautiful, simple Love Language that you can achieve with no money and little effort, providing you’re in the same spot.
Here’s what you need to do to make your Physical Touch spouse feel truly loved.
- Spoon them while you sleep
I love to spoon in bed. I especially love being the big spoon sometimes, which probably looks quite funny given my husband is much bulkier than me.
I also sleep hot, which means I usually can’t spoon all night long, but sometimes I do wake up to find him wrapped around me and I love it. Sometimes he tells me we hugged all night long and I didn’t even realize it because I slept so soundly and deeply… coincidence? I think not. Spooning soothes me, even if I’m not consciously aware it’s happening.
And if we can’t spoon, you can bet a foot of mine snakes out to find his or I have my back pressed up close against him while we snooze, so I can still feel the warmth of his body.
- Let them sit on your lap
I’m not ashamed to say it, I curl up on my husband’s lap every morning when I get up as a morning greeting. It used to irritate him so much but after 10 years together, I finally wore him down. In fact, I swear he enjoys it now. I see the way he smiled when I come in each day.
He’s usually at his desk already when I wake up. I go in and fold myself on top of him like origami, right there in the desk chair while I slowly wake up. It’s our first point of contact for the day and it’s as much a part of my morning ritual as a fresh coffee.
- Hold their hand
Walking down the street, sitting in the cinema, driving in the car, watching the latest blockbuster movie, eating dinner in a restaurant? All golden opportunities to take your love by the hand, at least for a little while (even I think one-handed dinner-eating is extreme) – every chance you get, interlace your fingers with theirs and give them a reassuring squeeze.
- Hugs!
Much like hand-holding, there are repeated moments throughout the day you will find time for hugs… waiting at pedestrian crossings, while cooking in the kitchen, riding the escalator, snuggling together while watching TV… fill your sweetheart with joy by wrapping them up in a big hug as often as you can.
- Kisses
You totally saw that one coming, didn’t you? Kiss them! Pecks on the cheek, smooches on the back of the hand, a slow trail down their neck, a 10-second lip-lock in the hallway… if you really want to thrill your Physical Touch spouse, go for a hot and heavy makeout session on the sofa.
- Play with their hair
Twirl long locks around your finger, run your hands through their tresses as their head lays on your shoulder, tug gently at their ponytail, sit and brush it until it’s gleaming… offer to wash their hair for them while they have a bath and watch them purr.
- Worship at their feet
Or at the very least, rub them! Get your hands onto their toes and sore arches and watch them melt in front of you. They probably won’t even mind if you tickle them a little.
- Learn to massage them
Full disclaimer: my company teaches couples how to massage each other. But I only do that because I think it’s a legitimately wonderful thing for any relationship… let alone one where one of you is a Physical Touch fiend.
Think how eternally loved and grateful your spouse will be if you master the art of a great back rub and administer them regularly. The bonus for you is that if your spouse is a Physical Touch person, they’ll be equally as happy to learn how to massage you in return and will love showing their affection by rubbing your aching muscles whenever you need it. Win-win, right?
There you go, some surefire ways to bring a smile to your partner’s lips. Do them all, do them often and watch them blossom under your love. A filled Love Tank begets another filled Love Tank. And that makes for a very happy marriage indeed.
What does your Physical Touch spouse like the most?
Yes yes yes!!!! I wish I could say it more times. This is totally me. I am the physical one and my wife is words of affirmation. I try and give her the words she needs regularly but she seems to think that any kind of physical touch she gives me will automatically mean i want sex. This shows it is not that and it is written by a woman who is the physical one! I am TOTALLY sending this to her! Thank you thank you!!! 🙂
My husband’s love language is Physical Touch. He enjoys having me massage his feet with lotion. When he is stressed, he likes to have me run my fingers through his hair and play with his ears.
Wow! I actually had tears in my eyes reading this. It’s like it came from my own heart. I’m far and away the physical touch spouse, and since I’m the wife I can’t talk about it. Ever. If I discuss it with him it’s like I’m attacking his manhood and he withdraws even more. If I discuss it with other women, it’s treated like a disorder, as if I should join a counseling group. While we sleep, the slightest touch wakes him up, so forget snuggling of any kind. I love sitting in chrch because sometimes he puts his arm around me. I never refuse sex, even if I’m really not in the mood, because he’s only interested a couple times a month, and that’s the closest I can be to him. I sound really pathetic, I know. But in addition to hurting emotionally, my self-esteem takes a big hit. 11 years married.
Hi Jen- I am sorry to here that you are hurting! Maybe finding a fun way to discuss the Love Languages could ease some of the tension. On Chapman’s 5 Love Language site there is a quiz that you could take together sometime. Or I created at home date nights with the Love Languages in mind. It seems like a common theme is women having a hard time bringing up their needs and wants. So I designed the dates as a fun way to easily weave it into a date night.
Another thought is have you two had a really serious talk about if there are things in your marriage that is causing the tension on this subject? Things like lust and porn are often battled by men and they feel guilty and shameful about it and typically withdraw even more if you are questioning them. There are obviously other things that can be causing this tension too, but I only ask the above question because I have been in that situation.
Please do reach out personally via email if you would like some more support on this- TrueAgapeOnline@gmail.com. I just said a prayer for you and your marriage!
My husband love language is physical touch.
However, as he puts it::: I only need sex! That sums it all up for me. I don’t need anything else.
I have a problem with that. My main love language is physical touch. I can do without sex. I need the hugs, touch, nearness, massage but get none of it!
We are 2 ships passing in the night and most miserable!
Definitely not a way to live.
Good morning Angela. I am kind of a hybrid between you and your hubby. Mine is also physical touch, but for whatever reason my wife does not like to give me the little touches like a touch on the shoulder, or arm and just hugging me. Dont get my wrong I like the sex, but she tells me she just doesnt need sex and well thats not working for me. Sometimes it feels forced. Problem is when I dont get the little touches I feel farther from her emotionally and I dont think she gets it. We have talked about it just seems to go nowhere. In some silly ways I am jealous of our kids…she has no problems hugging them and touching them…but when it comes to me nothing. Now I know there are two different things between my kids and me, but love is love She recognizes how they feel when she does that with them, but fails to see it with me. It is very frustrating.
Love this post. My boyfriends top love language is physical touch and I had a hard time with it at first. This list is great 🙂 Thanks!
I’m glad you enjoyed the post Maelonni! It is hard to get use to physical touch going beyond just thinking sex.
Well as a husband I am physical touch. Not only sex but would love a passionate kiss from time to time.. at this point all I am getting is a good morning hug, and a peck and an I love you before we go to bed. She is a acts of service women. I clean up around the house, make her coffee each day, wright her notes and put them in her lunch for work.
My “love tank” is empty… it’s lonely and depressing.
That being said we are working through other issues.. will be married for 20 years this month and are currently in counseling.
Hi David-
Thank you for sharing! I can imagine it is hard. I am happy to know that you are going to counseling to try to work through things though!
Next week I am actually launching a product for women who struggle with their husband’s Love Language being Physical Touch. I am not sure if your wife identifies as that, but if she is open to it I would love to share some tips with her this next week or so. She could then decide if she thought the course would be good for her. I sent out the first tip already today. But if she is up it tell her to send me an email at TrueAgapeOnline@gmail.com. I can get her the first tip I sent out today and can make sure she gets the others coming out the next few days.
I love love love this! I am acts of service and my husband is physical touch. We often have disagreements because he feels as though when he just wants to hug or hold hands in the car, I act like it’s the hardest thing for me to do. And regretfully he’s right. I love my his and and I want to show him the affection that he desires but it just seems like it’s not there. I have no problem showing my kids affection and this bothers him as well. Why is that though? Why my kids and not him? He absolutely caters to my love language, he makes me coffee every morning, makes me breakfast, wants to help me do whatever is needed…i just can’t seem to give him the same in return. I do feel badly I just don’t know how to change it……
I am the rare man with physical touch as my primary. Its so hard because at times of stress my wife pulls away to isolate herself. I understand she needs that time. Other times it feels like there is just a wall up between us and its like she is taking an axe to the bottom of my love tank. I tried to explain its not just sex its hand holding kissing. Her reaching for me with out me initiating its. I know this stressful time of our lives is just a season and I knwo that at times the balance in the relationship changes. Im just carrying the load of the emotional part right now. 80/20 or so may be more. I know its the stress of whats going on but im so ready for it to get back to a normal.
Your article is right one. It means the world to me to feel her touch. I can not walk past her in the house and not reach and touch her. Its just impossible for me to do. He touch fuels me, it drives me to do more and do my best to speak her language as much as I possible can. It makes me want to be a better husband. And reach for that rather than settle for the rut we can get into.
Hi, Doug! Thank you for stopping by and sharing openly. You actually are not a rare man! Many men rank high on physical touch. The tricky part is some wives have a hard time balancing their husband’s Love Language of Physical Touch and their sex drive. The wives often but them together and that is not how it works.
I am sorry that you struggle with this in your marriage. But you are not alone! I just did a course for wives who husband’s love language is physical touch because there is such a need for it. If you browse my website you will find a section under marriage for Love Languages and Physical Touch. Find a few that you feel like really explain some things like you feel them and then share the articles with your wife. That can be a good starting point. Maybe read some blog posts about her love language too. Let her know you were doing some studying on how to love her better and you came across some posts that you could relate to about your love language. So you wanted to share them with her.
With intentional care you two will be able to fill each others love tanks up!